Trapped

Woke night. Left leg pinned hospital bed, mattress. Tried comfortable sleep. Not easy stroke two years past. Right body dead movements feelings. Try put dead so good side comfortable. Pull good leg, bad leg followed. Pushed button, pinned leg, dropped control, lost nurse button floor.

Alone Crestview Nursing, Rehabilitation Center. Pretty name, sign, lawn. Will not regain, lost. Lost right side, wife, home. Wife, God bless, cared fifty years married. Cam stroke, heavy, cannot wash, dress six food husband. She petite, shoulder level standing. Wedding photograph she stood phonebooks. Dress hid, look, hem not touch ground.

No voice, no yell. Help me. Leg caught. Stroke lost voice. Practice speaking alone. Noises soft moan a, o. Nurse station talk, TV, cannot hear. Drink fresh coffee.

Pins, needles, good leg. Feel cold metal, burn. Bang rail sends pain, sparks leg. Try again. Again. No one. Stay away three am aide checks room.

Think, remember, stay awake. I child. Father grocer. Two black cats basement stockroom kill rates, mice. Yellow eyes, black muscle, claws, dark corners, carcasses half-eaten, hairless tails. Feared sweeping, restocking, fetching can. Pull string, one bulb, down stairs, pull string, next bulb. Garbanzo beans low shelf, reach, wild hisses.

Progresso garbanzo beans. Wife makes pasta fagioli. Visits one day, skips one day. Doesn’t drive, takes senior van. Brings good soup, pasta. Smell lost, kitchen lost. Wife bib neck. I fight. She sakes Jake not hungry. Food away. I stop. She spoons.

We two children put college. I dropped eight grade, help father, grocery. Learned drive truck, sat wooden grape crate. Lucky long legs. Dawn drove distributor got fresh vegetables: basilico, lattuga, pomodoro. Slide twenty-five pound bags, flour, sugar, salt roller chute basement. Stacked high, ceiling. Cats always ankles, back, shoulders.

Father well, father dead. Fast lucky. Ran store. Still afraid cats. Still rates, mice. Cats died one, other. Old age, bad rat? Threw bodies dumpster. Set dozen spring rat traps, dozen small mouse traps. My sons, old enough baited traps moldy edges pecorino, romano. Rat quarter, mouse dime.

Light crack wall, door swings. Wave aide, point leg. She stay doorway.

“Need something, Mr. Guglierlmo?”

“Erho,” I try.

Goodnight. Door closes.

Should have pushed blankets, shown leg caught. Worry take exposing wrong, get sleeping shot, wake tomorrow afternoon. Will pretend sleep, aide returns. Wait, shift ends, morning aide washes, dresses, sets breakfast tray. Will not miss leg. Cannot feel now. Reach, touch, warm, me. Pinch skin, nothing.

When courted wife, punched man pinched her. Tooth broke. Knuckle swelled. Doctor saw, not straighten. Bent dead ring finger. Matter not.

Wish talk wife, past, old stores. Write her, slow left hand, was right-handed. Tell how am, never bad, upset her. Thank for visits, soup. Ask sons, grandchildren. Write alone, hide frustration. No blood stop brain, arm, leg, talk, write.

Wife notice. “Jake you write different. You think different?”

I nod. Change? Learned English grade school. Not broken English, broken brain.

She touches my left, “I understand.”

First wake think Italian. Son made card, pictures, English, Italian. Plastic covered. Point. Need more squares: coffin, tombstone, flowers. Want die peace. Will write wife, will underhand. Angel mercy.

Aid not back. Can sleep. Dark. Basement, pull string, no light. Trapped. Dawn windows. Broken fur bodies, snapped bones.